I often feel as though I spend a large part of my day “reasoning”. If it’s not with my own internal dialogue, then its discussions with my daughter, my husband, coworkers, etc. I feel as though I am constantly having to explain the intent of not only my verbal or physical actions/reactions, but also those of others, all the while needing to actively be in the moment, so that I don’t say or do something that could possibly be perceived as wrong.

Needless to say, there are some parts of a day (or even entire days) where I get so broken down from it all and I just say “Nevermind”.

Nevermind about listening to me explain, yet again what I battle, daily. Nevermind about the chronic pain and migraines I suffer, day in and day out. Nevermind about my wants, preferences, needs. Nevermind the racing images that feel like shards of glass in my head…nevermind that I never get a “break” from them. Nevermind about the extra burden I carry in every thought and step. Nevermind the fact that I was strong enough to keep it at bay and get through the day.  I don’t want the extra weight of justifying, explaining, convincing…so, just Nevermind.

Just “there”

Each of us has a story to tell. Each of us have faced trials and tribulation, and in this day and age everyone is eager to share their story. Whether it be through a blog (such as this), Facebook, Instagram, or whatever. There are definitely pro’s and con’s to this, and I myself flip and flop between them.

There’s a vicious vortex we have fallen into. While we do have knowledge of the world in our fingertips, people seem to be more lost than ever. The number of people who suffer from depression is higher now than ever. According to DBSA, 14.8 million American adults suffer from depression a year and according to ADAA, over 40 million Americans suffer from an anxiety disorder.

This could be a coincidence from various facets; people are more open to sharing, there are easier mediums to share through, people are actually tracking these kinds of data, etc.

However, more and more studies are showing the connection between the amount of time spent online, the instant gratification that people now require, our diets, lack of exercise (or just being outside), and the disconnect from actual, in-person, social relationships.

Sadly…I know the above, yet I don’t change anything in my own life to improve any of it. Is this a cycle of self-sabotage? Or could it be that we have also gotten so enraptured with knowing more, doing more, being more, that we’ve lost sight of actually living?

I have talked about living in the “now” previously (see my post from March 23rd), and I have shared ways that have worked for me, to get into the right mindset to be able to pull myself out of the overwhelm and into a manageable state. But, it’s difficult. It actually takes work and at times requires every ounce of me to get there.

I continuously feel like I’m in a vicious cycle; while I may be able to take a different route for a period of time, I always end up back on the same rocky, windy trail. Either a physical ailment (sickness, injury) will occur, or a situation that I haven’t had to face in a long time rears its ugly head, or an additional element gets piled onto my already overloaded shoulders. Whatever it is, it seems far too easy to “tip the scale” and then everything I had been doing so well for the last month or so, seems as though it was all for not. I have to pick myself back up again, and start all over.

While I believe that these kinds of cycles are elements in everyone’s life, I can’t help but wonder am I the only one that has physical pain and emotional darkness every single time?

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