I don’t want to look…

I’ve been avoiding this place. I’ve been refusing to come here. Why? In doing so, I knew I would have to face my own fears…myself.

About a month ago, I left my job of 6 years for a new company. Needless to say, it didn’t work out. Now, day in, day out I wander a bit aimlessly through the day, looking for a new job and trying to figure out what I should even apply for. Maybe it’s the stages of grief, but all of the job postings I’ve come across, just do not excite me. Then, if something does come up that sounds plausible, I sit there and over analyze the job description and spend hours on revamping my revamped resume in an attempt to pre-determine what, not only a recruiter/internal HR person may be looking for, but more importantly if my application would even make it past the fancy-smancy ATS inspections. Then…a week or so has gone by and I still haven’t ever submitted my application. W. T. F. ?

Great…so now I’m not only pre-judged by humans based on what is or is not on a document…but I also get to be judged by a computer application! Really helps with the good ‘ol self-esteem and anxiety!

One Way or Another, it Comes Out

When you battle depression, anxiety and chronic pain, the last thing you need is a swift kick of self-doubt. Fortunately for me, the self-doubt has only been a murmur in the background (for the most part). Unfortunately however, the chronic pain has been amplified to levels I didn’t even know existed. The pain is never in one specific joint, or area…it is all over pain. It hurts from noise, it hurts from a gentle touch, it hurts when I walk. I’m only 36, but I feel like I’m 80. I try to keep it in perspective…ya know? Like, at least I can still walk, drive, etc.

On a “good” day, ibuprofen, tylenol, etc. do absolutely nothing for me. So, when this level of pain comes on, I just throw my hands to the air and give up. Finally, after 3 days of this pain, and two nights of no sleep, I gave in and took a Norco. Which took the edge off long enough for me to feel human again…for about 3-4 hours.

Something is definitely eating away at me; all of my nerves are shot, I’m exhausted, I feel battered. The normal techniques of meditation, stretching, exercising and whatever Cognitive Behavior methods you want to throw my way…just are not cutting it these days. On the days I do pull myself together and exercise, I know that I’ll be in horrible pain later.

Getting By

I don’t feel hopeless to the point that I want to end my life…but the graphics of the ways in which I would go about ending it are getting more vibrant and they never stop. The images just repeat faster and faster, becoming more intense; more real. Somehow, I am able to distract myself with enough throughout the day, to at least get me through until I’m able to rest my head on my pillow for the night.

My concentration and motivation are down, I’m lethargic…I just, kind of, don’t care about “keeping up with the Jones’s”.

Maybe that’s just what God is asking of me right now though? Maybe I’m meant to take this time to recharge, rest, take care of myself. Maybe I’m supposed to be leaning on him more, and not worrying about meeting expectations (or try to be a mind reader and predict what others’ expectations are). Maybe, for once…I can learn to accept me. To realize and accept that I am enough. Maybe…I am exactly where I am meant to be?

All I can do is hope.


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I often feel as though I spend a large part of my day “reasoning”. If it’s not with my own internal dialogue, then its discussions with my daughter, my husband, coworkers, etc. I feel as though I am constantly having to explain the intent of not only my verbal or physical actions/reactions, but also those of others, all the while needing to actively be in the moment, so that I don’t say or do something that could possibly be perceived as wrong.

Needless to say, there are some parts of a day (or even entire days) where I get so broken down from it all and I just say “Nevermind”.

Nevermind about listening to me explain, yet again what I battle, daily. Nevermind about the chronic pain and migraines I suffer, day in and day out. Nevermind about my wants, preferences, needs. Nevermind the racing images that feel like shards of glass in my head…nevermind that I never get a “break” from them. Nevermind about the extra burden I carry in every thought and step. Nevermind the fact that I was strong enough to keep it at bay and get through the day.  I don’t want the extra weight of justifying, explaining, convincing…so, just Nevermind.

Just “there”

Each of us has a story to tell. Each of us have faced trials and tribulation, and in this day and age everyone is eager to share their story. Whether it be through a blog (such as this), Facebook, Instagram, or whatever. There are definitely pro’s and con’s to this, and I myself flip and flop between them.

There’s a vicious vortex we have fallen into. While we do have knowledge of the world in our fingertips, people seem to be more lost than ever. The number of people who suffer from depression is higher now than ever. According to DBSA, 14.8 million American adults suffer from depression a year and according to ADAA, over 40 million Americans suffer from an anxiety disorder.

This could be a coincidence from various facets; people are more open to sharing, there are easier mediums to share through, people are actually tracking these kinds of data, etc.

However, more and more studies are showing the connection between the amount of time spent online, the instant gratification that people now require, our diets, lack of exercise (or just being outside), and the disconnect from actual, in-person, social relationships.

Sadly…I know the above, yet I don’t change anything in my own life to improve any of it. Is this a cycle of self-sabotage? Or could it be that we have also gotten so enraptured with knowing more, doing more, being more, that we’ve lost sight of actually living?

I have talked about living in the “now” previously (see my post from March 23rd), and I have shared ways that have worked for me, to get into the right mindset to be able to pull myself out of the overwhelm and into a manageable state. But, it’s difficult. It actually takes work and at times requires every ounce of me to get there.

I continuously feel like I’m in a vicious cycle; while I may be able to take a different route for a period of time, I always end up back on the same rocky, windy trail. Either a physical ailment (sickness, injury) will occur, or a situation that I haven’t had to face in a long time rears its ugly head, or an additional element gets piled onto my already overloaded shoulders. Whatever it is, it seems far too easy to “tip the scale” and then everything I had been doing so well for the last month or so, seems as though it was all for not. I have to pick myself back up again, and start all over.

While I believe that these kinds of cycles are elements in everyone’s life, I can’t help but wonder am I the only one that has physical pain and emotional darkness every single time?

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