I don’t want to look…

I’ve been avoiding this place. I’ve been refusing to come here. Why? In doing so, I knew I would have to face my own fears…myself.

About a month ago, I left my job of 6 years for a new company. Needless to say, it didn’t work out. Now, day in, day out I wander a bit aimlessly through the day, looking for a new job and trying to figure out what I should even apply for. Maybe it’s the stages of grief, but all of the job postings I’ve come across, just do not excite me. Then, if something does come up that sounds plausible, I sit there and over analyze the job description and spend hours on revamping my revamped resume in an attempt to pre-determine what, not only a recruiter/internal HR person may be looking for, but more importantly if my application would even make it past the fancy-smancy ATS inspections. Then…a week or so has gone by and I still haven’t ever submitted my application. W. T. F. ?

Great…so now I’m not only pre-judged by humans based on what is or is not on a document…but I also get to be judged by a computer application! Really helps with the good ‘ol self-esteem and anxiety!

One Way or Another, it Comes Out

When you battle depression, anxiety and chronic pain, the last thing you need is a swift kick of self-doubt. Fortunately for me, the self-doubt has only been a murmur in the background (for the most part). Unfortunately however, the chronic pain has been amplified to levels I didn’t even know existed. The pain is never in one specific joint, or area…it is all over pain. It hurts from noise, it hurts from a gentle touch, it hurts when I walk. I’m only 36, but I feel like I’m 80. I try to keep it in perspective…ya know? Like, at least I can still walk, drive, etc.

On a “good” day, ibuprofen, tylenol, etc. do absolutely nothing for me. So, when this level of pain comes on, I just throw my hands to the air and give up. Finally, after 3 days of this pain, and two nights of no sleep, I gave in and took a Norco. Which took the edge off long enough for me to feel human again…for about 3-4 hours.

Something is definitely eating away at me; all of my nerves are shot, I’m exhausted, I feel battered. The normal techniques of meditation, stretching, exercising and whatever Cognitive Behavior methods you want to throw my way…just are not cutting it these days. On the days I do pull myself together and exercise, I know that I’ll be in horrible pain later.

Getting By

I don’t feel hopeless to the point that I want to end my life…but the graphics of the ways in which I would go about ending it are getting more vibrant and they never stop. The images just repeat faster and faster, becoming more intense; more real. Somehow, I am able to distract myself with enough throughout the day, to at least get me through until I’m able to rest my head on my pillow for the night.

My concentration and motivation are down, I’m lethargic…I just, kind of, don’t care about “keeping up with the Jones’s”.

Maybe that’s just what God is asking of me right now though? Maybe I’m meant to take this time to recharge, rest, take care of myself. Maybe I’m supposed to be leaning on him more, and not worrying about meeting expectations (or try to be a mind reader and predict what others’ expectations are). Maybe, for once…I can learn to accept me. To realize and accept that I am enough. Maybe…I am exactly where I am meant to be?

All I can do is hope.


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