I get it, we all have wars to win. Each year we get older and our circle of knowledge grows. With this growth, there are more opportunities for hurt (and yes, the flip side to that is fun/happiness).
Think of a cat, for instance. Each day they are adjusting to their environment, and each day they expand their barrier a little more. Soon, they no longer just sit around the house; now they go down the street! Well, what’s down a street? Cars, dogs, other cats or critters, people…I mean the list can go on and on.
So, is it better to sit isolated and safe or to expand your horizon and venture new things? I personally, always went for the latter…but these days I generally prefer to stay pretty isolated.
It may be partly due to the fact that I like where I live, I mean why spend all the money on a house and never enjoy it, right? Another part is because leaving the house costs money. Honestly, I get it there are TONS of free activities and places to go; but why go deal with crowds that hike up my anxiety when I am fortunate enough to have a comfy house, with a loving family and animals?
Sometimes I think that others believe that I am using my depression and anxiety as an excuse…which naturally pushes me to try and do more than I probably should. For some reason, one of my biggest problems is guilt. Not from any one particular thing! I’m able to take any scenario, and somehow turn it around in such a twisted way that I soon become metaphorically crippled. My brain literally misconstrues everything, leaving me to feel inadequate, unworthy, and worst of all, hopeless.
I recently lost my brand new job. Let me tell ya, if you ever want a real confidence booster in life, lose a job. Does wonders for that good ‘ol self-esteem! …naturally, I’m kidding.
Now, while my daughter is at daycare, and my husband is at work…I sit at home. While I enjoy the quiet time (to some degree), I wouldn’t exactly say that I’m doing “well”. My mind goes down these black holes, focusing on the “what-if”, which leads to the “I’m not good enough”, which of course heightens the visuals (read “Escape Routes” for more details about what I mean). As if all that negativity wasn’t enough, now I get to have fun looking into my crystal ball to try and predict how people are going to judge me based on a resume, and cross my fingers that it even makes it past the ATS barrier!
“Go relax, enjoy the time off” some people say! Sure…because sitting around being lazy instead of working on my resume, or look for a job, or apply to a job, or clean the house, or anything else that would be a good use of my time, is an option? Well, again…my thoughts don’t allow for such balance. Nope, if I tried to relax on a weekday I would just sit there so guilt ridden that it would defeat the purpose.
So…why am I wasting my time blogging? Simply put, I couldn’t allow myself to go too far down the rabbit hole with a simple task of determining a new resume style, and this is more “productive” than watching t.v.
Gotta love the mind!