I don’t think it matters whether you battle depression/anxiety or not…all of us want to run away from it all, at one time or another. Life, at times, can feel daunting.
Unfortunately, for me…no matter where I go, I can’t escape. There is never a moment where I can take a deep breath and just “be”.
Do You Hear What I Hear?
You know how people always talk about there being voices? Well, for me, I don’t hear anything. I mean, sure I hear my own negative thoughts bumbling around, but for the most part I can easily identify and deal with those. For me, it’s the images.
What do I see? Every. Single. Day? I face the horrible imagery of me killing myself, and all of the mediums in which it could be done. I have repetitive images of sharp blades, shotguns, of different “accidents” there could be and how I would do it. I see the crime scene, if you will, of where it could happen and worst of all, how my loved ones would “find me”. My sick head even tries to rationalize pre-meditated actions that could be taken to ensure that my daughter is not the one who finds me. (sick, right?)
There’s Nowhere to Run
The average person will have “bad days”, and longs patiently for their next vacation so that they can disconnect from the daily grind and let go of it all. Unfortunately, I seem to get more ailments and in more fights with my loved ones, when I’m on vacation.
I don’t even care to waste money on vacations anymore, because I know that I won’t be able to relax and enjoy them for what they are. In fact, many times the trips/vacations create difficult platforms for controlling the demons. In those moments of quietness, there is a level of vulnerability; the daily chaos of the world subsides and your defenses are down. Unfortunately, my thoughts and deep seeded feelings are still with me; there’s no “off” switch, and they seem to rise to uncontrollable levels during these down times.
Maybe you face these same things. Maybe you feel like there’s never a moment of relief, a moment to breath. Sadly, I don’t have suggestions for overcoming this darkness…I honestly don’t know how I survive it every day. I merely wanted to share, to let you know that, you are not alone. Most importantly, do not give up. Every day may be exhausting, and by the end of the day you may feel like you are literally hanging onto a piece of thread…but, you have to hold onto hope. You. Matter.
If you have suggestions of what those of us who go through these imagery battles could do, please feel free to share. I don’t mean by sharing some cutesy meme or quote or by saying that “I just have to change the way I think”. But, if you have honest insight of what has worked for you, please share. I know that I personally would enjoy a day away!